There is No Me Without You

Life, Love, Recovery, Relationships, Self-Love, Sex, Spirituality

A few years ago, during a psychedelic trip, I was shown an insight that would forever change my life. This lesson came to me with such a knowing, that I tattooed it’s symbol on my hand as a reminder – this is what will always lead me. The discovery came in response to the question, what is the most romantic thing in the world? Is it flowers, opening doors, buying gifts, writing love notes, trips to Paris? Is it forehead kisses, or late night rendezvous? The answer that was revealed to me – parallel lines. They are defined as two lines, infinitely traveling in the same directions, never crossing one another. But what happens when you remove one, or change directions? They are no longer parallel lines. They lose their definition when they lose each other – this is what it is to be human. Your existence defines mine, and mine defines yours. In order for us to fulfill our purpose, and exist in the way intended for us, we must also honour this equilibrium between and within us.

This piece will examine various spiritual and psychological dichotomies in an effort to present you with evidence that spans across cultures, religions, and time, that we cannot have the harmonious existence of our true selves without honouring both sides of the coin. We do not receive fulfillment and true power without mending the relationship between opposing forces within ourselves.

I have always believed in the power of unification and connection. Albeit, throughout my life there have been many dividing forces and energy, I have seen the true power in the act of two becoming one. So much of the world we experience in North America is created to divide us. We are shown our differences more often than our resemblances, we are taught to compartmentalize and section off other humans; we are told we are alone. Herein the great void between you and I will we find our greatest weaknesses and darknesses, how we fail ourselves, how we fail each other; they are one and the same. However, if we seek to remember, we may just find that through the discovery of the joining between the divine masculine and divine feminine that lives in all of us, we will be led to a river of wholeness and love that we can all drink from. In the dishonouring of each of these divine energies, we create a fear-shame dynamic that plagues many relationships. Yet, in the reconciling of each, we can and will become what we have always been – one.

Let’s begin with the objective, before we dive into the spiritual. The fear-shame dynamic is the force that attracts us to one another but also our reactive trigger in relationships. That is to say, one person is shame-reactive, and the other is fear-reactive, and their behaviours will seek to avoid each of these respectively. Often times, it is the female who is fear-avoidant; she is seeking someone who can promise long term protection. She seeks to be free from fear, she wants to nurture an individual whom she can place her faith in. She wants to believe in you. We can see this present in human psychology. PTSD is more prevalent in females than males (10% of women, 4% of men), perhaps because 50% of females experience a traumatic event at some point in their lives, perhaps because one in three women are sexually assaulted in their lifetime. The symptoms of PTSD present themselves differently between the sexes as well. Women are more likely to exhibit alarm-raising behaviour. They become more apprehensive of situations and others, high-strung in stressful or fear-inducing contexts, and display avoidant behaviour. Men, on the other hand, become more aggressive and are unable to aptly regulate their emotions.

If we look to the animal kingdom to support this theory, we are provided answers within the morphology of other mammals. Males tend to be larger and more aggressive in nature as a result of their greater testosterone production, as within human males. Obviously this does not apply to all, there are exceptions to this as there always are. Female hyenas, for example, have genitalia that closely resembles the males, they come fully equipped with a pseudo-penis. However, they also have increased amounts of female testosterone produced within their abnormally larger adrenal gland. The life expectancy of the males, both animal and mammal, is considerably less. This is often aligned to the fact that males participate in more risk-taking behaviour, such as competition. Could this be out of the innate desire and drive they have to prove themselves worthy? The need for males to prove oneself of value and purpose appears to be more than coincidence.

The shame-reactive individual is seeking a partner that believes in them, that needs them. They are seeking a purpose, to protect, and they need to feel as if they are fulfilling this purpose. If this function is not fulfilled, the individual feels ashamed, inadequate, and a failure. Shame is the negative evaluation of self, in this emotion, there is a consciousness of one’s shortcomings. Therefore, the individual who is shame-avoidant will seek someone who will not let them fall short, or feel as if they are.

When these two individuals meet, the shame-reactive person has finally found someone who is seeking their protector and will praise them as such, while the fear-reactive person has been brought before their saviour. The problem that occurs each time however, is that this does not free each individual from their predispositions. Their initial meeting and coupling only acts as a momentary reprieve or escape from their driving force. When the fear-reactive individual displays anxiousness, worry, or terror, it triggers the shame-avoidant individual who feels as if they are failing their partner. This leads us to the dishonouring of one another because each individual is seeking solely to satiate their own proclivities, they are acting from ego which is pleasure-seeking and fear-avoidant.

The ego is the death of love. It is the resistance we meet within each of us, as well as one another – it is a shared enemy that we must overcome. Often times, the darkness we see in one another is what calls us in. Like a black candle, and our demons a moth to it’s flame. Tales of ego and it’s harm have been retold throughout various religions and cultures for thousands of years. Take the Hindu goddess, Saraswati, for example. One third of the Tridevi, a divine trinity (which also includes the goddesses Lakshmi, and Parvati), Saraswati was born from the five tongues of Brahma; knowledge incarnate. She is the goddess of wisdom, art, language, and learning. Her name means fluidity, and free-flowing as she is akin to the energy of a river, or lake. She has been said to have originally been a partner to Vishnu, but many references of her also tell of Brahma’s pursuing of his own creation. When he bore her, he looked upon her with endless love for her beauty and she proceeded to run from him. He creates another face so that he may gaze upon her again, and she runs away persistently. This happens until he creates five faces total. Eventually, Saraswati runs to Shiva for protection who rips off Brahma’s fifth head, said to be ego. Following the removal of such, Brahma decides to bless her rather than badger, and this is how she receives the water energy – a gift from her creator. Brahma then takes Saraswati inside of him so that he may continue to learn and grow from and with her. They become a harmonious one again. Even in this tale, we can see that the dishonouring of the divine feminine only leads to the detriment of the divine masculine.

So what is the divine masculine and the divine feminine? It is important to note that while these divine energies are spoken about in a binary form, they are regarded as polarities and not necessarily gender. That is to say, within each of us while both polarities exist as our life source, each human’s balance or imbalance of each has nothing to do with their own gender, or ascribed vernacular. In order to express the importance of the necessary union and harmonization of these two divinities, we must first explore each individually.

The divine feminine is the dreamer. She births the dream which is the divine masculine. The divine feminine is intuition, creation, and healing. The most healing force in this universe is love, this is what leads us to the dream. This divinity is aligned with water, which is the element of the emotional world. It is also ruled by the moon, a being with a gravitational pull strong enough that it moves the ocean. The moon controls the tides on Earth as it rules over the ebb and flow within each of us. The divine feminine is the catalyst, the muse; it gives purpose. Sound familiar? When the divine feminine is suppressed and dishonoured, it reacts from a place of fear. The violated divinity will in turn be wrathful, and will seek to diminish others feminine energy to feel empowered. An individual who has an exploited or abused divine feminine within will have attachment issues within their relationships, they may become co-dependant, suffer from extreme self-doubt, and can seek to manipulate others in order to regain her footing. These actions will trigger shame and unworthiness in the divine masculine. Thus, the dishonouring of this divinity within us, leads to the dishonouring of the divine masculine.

If the female is the dreamer, birthing beings into existence, then the male is the dream. His purpose is set forth by his creator. He is given space, home, a calling because of Her. This divinity is logic and reason, and when it cannot rationalize or is unable to fulfill its purpose, it will become judgmental, separated and closed off. It is no coincidence that increased testosterone levels have shown a decrease in interpersonal trust. The divine masculine is the protector and guardian, He is action and survival. He is firm, unable to be crossed, and his boundaries are always set and immovable. When the divine masculine is dishonoured, it reacts aggressively and is unable to appropriately convey emotions out of shame. Also sound familiar? The dishonoured divine masculine feels lost, without purpose or cause, so it will seek to regain power via whatever means necessary – which leads to the suppression and exploitation of the divine feminine.

Another retelling of the dangers of not honouring the divinities within us come from the Gnostic myth of Sophia Gaia. She has many incarnates – Mother Mary is her ascendant form, Mary Magdalene is her earthly body. She is known as Shakti in Hinduism, and Boddhisatva in Buddhism. Born of Depth and Silence, Sophia lived among the spirits of life, along with her twin brother. But Sophia falls from her home in the light when she follows another light below into the underworld, believing it was the Father, the Creative Source. There she remained trapped, and the dark energies of the underworld abused and exploited her. She was violated and soon birthed offspring that was of pride, ignorance and fear; demons only seeking power and pleasure. As we have seen earlier, the violation of the divine balance leads to these same outcomes; ego. Yet, Sophia never forgot the light she came from and remained in her power, honouring herself until she was able to birth beauty and spiritual potential into the world, rather than the unrealized potential that brought about ego. She placed Consciousness into the body of man, who was Adam, and this was actualized into the world through the creation of Eve. In the bible, it states that woman was built up from man, from his rib and delivered unto him. Could this be a reference to the higher placement of the divine? Sophia returns to her home eventually, and marries herself with her brother, symbolizing the unification of divine masculine and feminine. She divides herself throughout time and space on the Earthly plane so that enlightenment may be attained for all.

You may now be wondering, how do we reconcile these divinities within ourselves? We must dive into the dark if we are ever able to lead ourselves out of it. Do not let the fear of your own madness hold you prisoner there. To be able to seek the solution, we must find first identify the problem. How are you acting from a place of ego? What types of behaviours that are not in alignment with love are you displaying? Are you constantly receiving the same results from your relationships, even though the people are different? Much like Brahma and his five heads, by merely changing the faces of our obstacles does not remove them from existence.

My journey thus far has led me to want to examine this for myself. I have spent much time sitting in my fear, asking my insides who has seen it. What am I running from? What do I fear and from where does it stem? Lately, the answer has never been louder. I fear the greatness that lives in my bones. I fear I am not enough. I fear doing or saying the wrong thing and losing your love. I fear it all. I had to come to terms with the fact that in this fear, I was not honouring my own boundaries. By acting from a place of fear, not of love of self, I was not protecting myself. I was not protecting my divine feminine. I didn’t believe in the innate worth of myself. I was not being my own purpose. I was seeking validation in order to feel loved because that is how I feel safe. But by breaking contracts with my own divine masculine, it left the divine feminine in me to be dishonoured and thus, I have not been able to stand in my whole power.

What is there left to do? Uncross myself. As the parallel lines live in a paradoxical state of both counterpart and one, so must my masculine and feminine divinities. By honouring the characteristics and embodiment of each – of loving, healing heart, and protector-guardian to this energy – will we each be set free from the mortal confines of our conditioning.

When will you decide to honour all parts of yourself?
When will you decide you deserve to be honoured?